Transition

I am in a period of life transition. I can either go one way, completely another way, or stay the same way. I'd like to go the "completely another" way, will probably go one way, and am terrified of staying the same way. The attractiveness of the first two is the verb "go." The frightening aspect of the latter is the word "stay."

I'm without ties now, truly. And shouldn't be feeling fear. The "go" of my soul is rearing its beautiful head. All I see in my future is train trips and open road. Books and paper and chai tea from all over the country. Steinbeck's path and Vincent Millay's prompts.

I find myself writing lists of quotes on Goodreads, sharing them on Facebook so I remember. Liking the photos of fellow vagabonds. They're doing it. They've made it happen. Drafted out maps, logged miles.

The most beautiful sight is a map with squiggly lines to signify rivers. V shaped lines to reveal mountains. How much more will be revealed in the air, by the sea, through the land. Long lines drifting in and out of North American landscape.

Settling in cities for one day or maybe two, exploring the anonymity of the rural. The frenzy of the urban. Like in Ireland, where money was no matter and travel was the only goal and writing was a side effect.

This go around writing is the goal. Trains are the vessel. Self the end result. Whitman, Thoreau, Steinbeck, Millay, White, Cantwell, Hemingway, Fitzgerald, Kerouac, beats, poets, essayists, artists my fellow travelers.

I am not afraid to call myself a writer. I am a writer. I am not afraid to call myself a vagabond. I am a vagabond. I am not ashamed to call myself a flaneur. I am a flaneur.

I am a Leo. A lover. Confident. Self-assured. Shy then loud-sometimes. Funny but slow to entertain. Laugher. Crier, but only when I'm comfortable. Self -seeker. Introvert. Daughter, sister.

I think this is all bullshit, wish I could write more maturely, wish I didn't always feel 15.

My therapist asks, "How old do you feel right now?" every time I explain a stressor of my daily life. At the beginning of therapy, I'd say "eight." Then it was 10. Now I'm 13. Making progress. Perhaps by the end of analysis I'll have caught up. I'll have turned 29, right as 30 rolls around.

In the front of my mind, I know this is all first world problems. But they're happening. To me. And they matter. I wish they didn't, but they do and when I'm fifty, maybe I'll feel thirty. Maybe the transition will be easier. Or less difficult to process.

TODAY

TODAY I

*took little George for a walk even though it was cold and kinda rainy and wanted nothing more than to crawl back into bed all day*

*drank 4 jillion cups of decaf english breakfast tea with tons of honey and organic milk*

*wished i could have caffeine since decaf tea is NOT THE SAME*

*read an article on a blog where someone else read about it on refinery 29 about this trendy new coffee shop in dc (the coffee bar) that i'll prob never go to bc i hate coffee but wrote it down anyways*

*wished I liked coffee, because the pour-over method sounds MAJOR*

*wished i was hipster enough to be a barrista at a hipster sounding coffee shop in hipster shaw dc*

*discovered 30 bajillion new blogs and now I want nothing more than to write a cool lifestyle blog like everyone else that's cool in dc*

*wished i was described as cool and not verbose and sensitive and long-winded*

*(and high-maintenance) WHAT!????

*read apartment therapy for the 2nd time ever and WISHED my apartment was cute enough to be featured and wished i lived in a better area of dc and wished i had more square feet (footage?) and more of an interior decorator's approach to life*

*roasted the 3 large beets i've had in our fridge for a week because i hate waste and craved a beet*


*wrote down the expression "craved a beet" for my novel that won't become anything much because i've stopped writing it*

*ate a beet and it was everything i dreamed and craved*

*rearranged the flowers we got for our friends yesterday on the way to visit them in columbia, md but then the power steering just GAVE OUT on the new used Expedition and I got to see future hubs look like Hephaestus and see the veins in his neck even*

...and cut off the bottom stems and added more warm water because did you know yellow lilies and all flowers in general are NOT supposed to be kept in cold water?? learned that last year when my fresh flowers that cost loads were all perishing and wilting sadly over the vase. do you call it VACE or VAHZZZ. I say "vace" like "mace"

Did you know that it is illegal to carry mace and pepper spray in dc???? I do anyways. cause I live up in da hood yo.

*fell in LOVE with Smitten Kitchen all over again when eating her "best cocoa brownies" I made 3 nights ago. which are SO. MUCH. BETTER. the second, third and 4th day if they even last that long.

*drank more english breakfast tea even though it was 10 pm*

*wrote*

*had a 2 hour phone convo w the mamasan talking wedding deets and downton sadness.

SPOILER ALERT because I HATE IT WHEN PEEPS eff up my shows by telling me the spoilers. then i never watch again but youtube the shizzz outta that ish.

Matthew not only dies, but they SHOW THE BLOOD TRICKLING DOWN HIS FACE as soon as they pan to Mary holding lil baby heir crawley.

*had an awful dream that we were at a picnic and lil george was found under a wheel*

*woke up crying and looking for lil George who I was never so happy to see*

*thought about Facebook approximately 464983749583745 times and kept reminding myself to read the bible cause i gave it up for lent. didn't read the bible. watched keeping up with the kardashians instead. which i'm sadly obsessed by.

*iced my neck and back and took my meds and ate more greens and wished to blessed GOD spirochetes were never discovered but also glad i know so i'm on my way to the CURE, BITCHES*

*had a major moment when i realized i'm turning THIRTY this year.

*started researching plane tickets for honeymoon/30 bday/

*realized passport expired last february and it's too late to get another before the wedding.

SHIIIIIIIIIIZzzzzzzzz

*assisted jer in sauteeing onions with bacon and butter and garlic for the chili omggggggg so good.

*spent the night pretending not to listen to Justified so Jer doesn't think i actually like one of his shows. but i'm hanging on every last damn word. such an addicting showwwwwwww.

*went to bed*


<3 sm

when the heart hurts

last evening brought some fearful information and i'm unsure how to cope with the emotions. i thought 2013 was going to be the year of health and now i don't really understand. without saying it all or too much, my heart is broken and praying even feels useless. but i still do. is prayer ever anything but desperate?

we will find out more answers on monday. monday and an eternity. i still don't understand why labwork takes so long to get results back when it is 2013 and not the stone ages but i guess they just want to be sure.

little sleep has been had. how to shut the mind's eye? if anyone has learned the trick, i'll be up all night waiting.

the unnecessary distractions of the iPad, iPhone and even Facebook are now gone, making the silence even louder. the void more pronounced. of course the mind is no help, for it never quiets.

i have the year of magical thinking on a bookshelf at home and i wish it were here with me tonight to read in one sitting like didion intends then pass on to the next needful reader.

are all of our hearts breaking at once? like some forceful, collective nightmare?

the passage of time seems rude and obstructive. much desire to place on pause, to process. but so goes life and its lack of fair treatment. i would think that the universe could be kinder and less harsh.

must we all be so sick and now heartsick without hiatus? familial wellness stolen by the thief in the night. six months after 6 years and now this? the love of my love? it doesn't seem right.

should we feel shame for feeling entitled?

what are we doing wrong that must be reckoned?

i'm awake as always and listening...