Saturday, January 5, 2013

when the heart hurts

last evening brought some fearful information and i'm unsure how to cope with the emotions. i thought 2013 was going to be the year of health and now i don't really understand. without saying it all or too much, my heart is broken and praying even feels useless. but i still do. is prayer ever anything but desperate?

we will find out more answers on monday. monday and an eternity. i still don't understand why labwork takes so long to get results back when it is 2013 and not the stone ages but i guess they just want to be sure.

little sleep has been had. how to shut the mind's eye? if anyone has learned the trick, i'll be up all night waiting.

the unnecessary distractions of the iPad, iPhone and even Facebook are now gone, making the silence even louder. the void more pronounced. of course the mind is no help, for it never quiets.

i have the year of magical thinking on a bookshelf at home and i wish it were here with me tonight to read in one sitting like didion intends then pass on to the next needful reader.

are all of our hearts breaking at once? like some forceful, collective nightmare?

the passage of time seems rude and obstructive. much desire to place on pause, to process. but so goes life and its lack of fair treatment. i would think that the universe could be kinder and less harsh.

must we all be so sick and now heartsick without hiatus? familial wellness stolen by the thief in the night. six months after 6 years and now this? the love of my love? it doesn't seem right.

should we feel shame for feeling entitled?

what are we doing wrong that must be reckoned?

i'm awake as always and listening...